Have you ever caught yourself measuring time based on a big event in your life? Perhaps it was an accident, or a “Got Ya” date, a major promotion at work or a death.
It has been three years since our daughter, Audrey, lived and 81 days later, died. When I speak of her, it feels strange to say she was born just over three years ago. I guess in part because that seems so long ago, and yet, at the same time, shocking that it has passed too quickly.
My personal journey as her mother is three years old also. I’m basically a toddler. I can walk well, talk in complete sentences and ask for help when I need it.
I also have those toddler-like days when I cry for no reason, I can’t put into words what exactly I’m feeling and I’m overtired.
My journey is still young and moldable. Most weeks I see, read or hear something that I put into the Audrey part of my brain. You might think it slowly turns off or that having a six-year-old and a twelve-month-old would crowd that…it doesn’t.
Our six-year-old randomly brings her up or mentions her name. I won’t avoid that. And our rainbow baby girl? The simple being of her causes me to over-think and feel a little too much most days. Her existence is fascinating to me and further deepens my faith. Sometimes it confuses me but that is when I choose to trust that she is meant to be here and Audrey is meant to be there.
Being chosen as Audrey’s mother sent me on a “Which Hunt”. I imagine, no I hope, I’ll be on it for the better part of the rest of my life.
Whatever the situation is, big or small, important or mundane, I know that only I have the power over my emotions. No one or no thing can MAKE me feel a certain way.
So I ask myself, “Which way will I handle this.”
I’m hunting for my which.
Whiching well doesn’t always come easily to me, I’m a feeler. I feel all over the place. I tend to feel then think, therefore I should a lot too.
I fail often. I get it wrong. I lose perspective and lose sight.
But sometimes I win. I get it right. I dig both heels into the foundation that has been laid through the life and death of my second born and I see the light.
My Which Hunt is ever-evolving. Let’s just say this particular season of life as a family with two young children provides endless opportunities to choose wisely. The moments when I react instead of respond are all too common. At times, I fall prey to taking the path of least resistance. It’s easier at first but more often than not, I regret it. In my relationship with adults, I typically have more time to gather my thoughts. As a parent, that time is cut in half (or less). I’m helping shape and mold future adults here, I need more time to choose the best which!
That’s when I pray, a lot, for wisdom and discernment. That works in all aspects of my life, not just as a parent.
Our daughter lived and then she died. Black and white, but not simple. Her life and death were sprinkled with clear which’s and difficult which’s. Some of the decisions we were faced with are almost unbearable to think about now, but we did it, we made it through.I’m still growing and maturing on this journey. One day, I’ll wake up and it will be thirty years since Audrey. What will life look like by then? Only God knows. But I pray I will still say our Audrey reminds me to which wisely.
What or who in your life has brought you the most perspective?
When you look back on your life in 10, 20 or 30 years, will you be able to say you celebrated your victories or marinated in your failures?