Momma Knows Best
You were right about motherhood. Everything that you told me when I was pregnant and I would sometimes shrug off, is now my reality. I find myself constantly worrying if I am doing everything correctly and feel constantly consumed by guilt. This mommy guilt has taken over my thoughts. Am I making the right decisions for my daughter? Am I spending enough time with her? Is she eating the healthiest possible? Is she learning how to be a compassionate person? Am I being a good mom? These thoughts consume me daily.
Mom, all the fears and guilt you said I would feel are there. I will probably be like you and call my children at every hour of the day to make sure that they okay. Like you, I often find myself awake at night thinking of all the dangers my daughter will encounter and how I can protect her as best I can. On other days, I wonder if I am neglecting my daughter because I am a working mom and have constant doubts if I should quit my job. In my head, I count the hours I am away from my daughter every day and the guilt consumes me even more. Leaving my three month old baby was the hardest, I cried for days. I feel like I will never regain this time away from her. I worry if my child will love me less because I am away so much. But her big smile when I walk through the door erases all doubt. She is creating a special bond with grandma, who she calls “ma,” and that make me cry happy tears of joy. You are now enjoying those early years with my daughter. Moments that you missed with me and my sisters when we were little because you had to work. Mom, I get it now. I understand that guilt feeling like piercing stings to the heart.
I realize that this feeling will never go away. My love as a mother is so great that the guilt, the worry, and the fear will always remain with me, even as my daughter grows older. I am blessed with the responsibility of another life and I hope that I can lead this little person to live a happy and fulfilled life. My daughter is now a year and a half. While the mommy guilt is still present, I am learning to manage it better. I am embracing this mommy guilt feeling so that I can become a better mother to my daughter. Even on the tired days, I make an extra effort to play with her. I make sure that I keep up with reading to her at night, even on those overwhelming days. After work, I dedicate all my time to her forgetting all the chores that need to be done around the house. I focus on my daughter’s needs and have more patience as I know the terrible twos are upon us.
This mommy guilt is born out of the love for my child. While I may never be the perfect mother, I can aspire to be the best mom I can for my daughter and for my future children. I will always love them, I will always be there for them, I will always encourage their dreams, and I will cry with them during their hardest moments. I am using this guilt to strengthen me. This mommy guilt is a reminder that my daughter is important and my first priority now. I have learned to become less selfish and put life in perspective.
Mom, thank you for being an amazing mother to me. Your unconditional love has shown me to take this guilt and turn it into a drive for me to be a better mother and a better women for myself. I may not be the perfect mother, but I hope that one day my daughter will write the same letter to me. Then, she will understand that this mommy guilt had turned into an unconditional love for her.