I Miss My Husband

Most of us have a preconceived notion that having a child with someone you love is a logical next step to creating a family and developing a stronger bond. However then we realize how much more work is required, and the responsibility on each parent to put their child first even before each other. Is that really how it’s supposed to be? We were a team, on the same page, excited to write the next page…now it seems we don’t even know ourselves let alone each other, nor what we want our next page to look like.

 

So here is a snapshot at my life (and that of most new mom’s out there I would imagine): An amazing kind of hectic whirlwind that challenges my core being but reminds me every day how blessed and honored I am to raise this amazing miracle, my son.

 

Being a parent is the most sobering form of accountability one can have, so much larger than ourselves and our marriage. It is so undetermined yet full of expectation, excitement, and fear.

And here I find myself in such an unfamiliar place. One I hadn’t expected to be, where it seems that all of the things that got me here at this point in my life are somehow absent. My husband and best friend, the intimacy that we shared, and the future that we dreamed of, have all seemed to fall beyond the shadow that is now my life. I know it's temporary and it takes work, A LOT OF WORK! But I feel I don't even have the capacity to take care of myself anymore let alone our amazing relationship that seems so far gone already.  It’s just that all of my energy is going to this beautiful baby boy that we’ve created and I’m finding it challenging to find any extra energy to spare for all of the other things that once existed in my life, including my wonderful husband.

I’m tired and am trying to figure out how to do it all. With a full time career and my attempts at maintaining family relationships and friendships, this part of my life with my husband, I fear, I may have taken for granted. It was all about me and what I was going through during my pregnancy, and while healing and learning how to breastfeed, and then even how to be a mom afterwards.

To top it off, I've lost my courage to ask my husband how he is feeling because I'm afraid of the answer. Has he changed his mind? Does he not want to be a father anymore now that he knows the monotonous routine and limited reigns it poses on the life we once knew? I know he's an amazing Dad and goes out of his way to ensure his baby boy is happy and healthy. But that doesn't mean he doesn't long for the life we had just as much, if not more than I do! But I can't ask or tell him this because I'm afraid that he will resent me. Or maybe he already does.

In fairness to him, he has been better than I at keeping a routine that gets everything done and relatively on time around our household. With both of us working and daycare now in the mix it seems like we are always getting ready to leave or are getting home and getting unpacked for the evening and ready for the next day. And deep down inside I feel like I’m failing and can’t seem to be able to hide my failure from him. But maybe he doesn’t notice as I don’t feel he notices much about me these days.

I am failing because my 10 or more hour work days leave me even more exhausted than I was when I woke up from my hopeful 4 hours of broken sleep. My attempt at getting back in to shape has taken the back burner and my OCD personality of keeping things tidy and well-kept has slipped a little (okay, a lot!).

I wake each morning in a zombie state and that baby is the only thing that can put a smile on my face - even though he is the reason I don’t sleep anymore. It’s the night time breast feedings and morning pump before work that add on stress to my already rushed routine. My husband completes his thankless tasks of taking care of our dog, dressing the baby for daycare and helping to get all of my bags to the car. Did I mention he even makes me coffee every morning! It’s the little things that act as a daily reminder that the love is still buried there somewhere and yet I still feel so alone.

But it’s the rest of the day where we are both so busy we rarely touch base anymore. If it weren’t for reminders and to-do’s I feel as though we wouldn’t even talk anymore.  The exhaustion directly effects our evenings as well. After dinner it’s TV and bed; even more of an excuse not to discuss how we are really doing and what we are really struggling with. We wouldn’t understand each other’s challenges anyhow, would we?

With intimacy at an all-time low I wonder how things will ever get back to normal. We don’t even sit next to each other while watching TV. I want him to know me again, to love me again. But I suppose I need to find myself first. This doesn’t feel like me. But as time goes on, every day and every week I gain more confidence in my ability to raise this child and give him the amazing life that he deserves. I am hopeful that I am getting closer to myself again.

I write this from the quiet of my bedroom while my baby boy sleeps and my husband is at the other end of the house watching TV; alone and wondering when this feeling is supposed to go away. No one told me about this part. I was warned about the physical changes and the sleep deprivation. I was warned that I wouldn’t be able to go out as much and most of my energy would focus on my little one. I read about how to get the dog to adopt to this new addition to the family, which he seems to be doing great by the way.

But no one warned me that my husband and I would have to do the same. We would have to adjust to a lack of love, intimacy and closeness. We would have to take turns with the baby and focus on him while the other took a minute to ourselves. And that even our attempted date nights would fall short, merely due to the exhaustion factor and that we’d rather be home in bed with our precious baby boy.

I suppose I shall try to find myself in all of this soon, then go searching for my husband. I know he’s there somewhere. And I’m sure he knows that I am too. Communication really is the most important factor here and I need to reassure myself that we are both feeling these insecurities that come with being new parents. We will overcome this as we unravel the miracle before us.  I just hope that we don’t wait too long to find each other again because I miss my husband.