Expectations and Loneliness
Anyone ever feel like their life is set on autopilot? Each day, our life awakens and immediately starts running like the machine we built based upon routine and patterns.
I wake up, get ready for work, brush my teeth, wake up Ella, get her dressed, get out the door as quickly as possible to make it to school (and hopefully work) on time. I work 8 hours, get off and drive the same route to pick up Ella from school. We go home, we eat dinner, bathtime, storytime, and then she goes to bed. At around 9:30 PM, I finally get a moment for myself, and many of those moments I spend staring off into space, processing the events of the day -- feeling tired and utterly… alone.
I’m a recently divorced, working mother -- but the loneliness that comes with this exceeds beyond just being without a partner. Over a year ago -- when my “role” was married, stay at home mother -- I still felt this lonely feeling. It’s like a constant buzzing that lies in the undertones of my life -- yet, I don’t quite notice it until the end of the evening, after putting my little one to bed.
It just feels like something is… missing. Then, the questions start.
Could I have done more today to show my beautiful little girl how much I love her? Am I doing this right? What more can I do to be better? Why do I always feel like I’m not enough?
I know I’ve given myself (like most of us, right?) unrealistic expectations. I expect to be able to do everything and be the best mom ever -- I expect to go above and beyond, because that’s who I am as a person. I’m the mom who tries to fit it all in -- my ultimate goal is ensuring everyone (especially my daughter) is happy. But I’m realizing more and more -- the mother who tries to make everyone else happy is usually forgetting about herself. And feels so alone, all the time -- even when there are actual people around her.
I’m a work in progress -- and everyday that passes is another day to turn it all around. I get that I have imperfections and letting go of some of the standards I hold myself to will help with beginning to feel again. Feel something other than constantly feeling lost.
To the mom out there that feels the same way too -- you aren’t alone.